“Never let your memories be greater than your dreams.”  This was the quote on a dollar store plaque given to me.  The plaque itself won’t hold up under a sneeze, yet the saying printed on it with cheap ink holds more character and defines a moment of contemplation unlike a brazen wall hanging in a $200 frame.

What is so powerful about memories?

First of all, they try to define us.  An experience we have creates a memory in our minds, one that over time begins to change and conform as our bodies and lives change and conform.  A memory that used to be so vivid, might turn out 80 years down the road to be only a faded image…so that is why we keep the “keepsakes” tied to those memories.  To help us remember, and sometimes we never want to let that go.

Keeping clutter and keepsakes isn’t very healthy.  Your space and sanctuary becomes a casualty in the war of time.  As we age, we cling to that keepsake hoping that memory stays with it…..let it go.  The memory is still there inside of you, the item holds no value once the memory is in your mind.  Sentimental value….it only collects dust.  Pass it on to your kids or grandkids, and let it go.  Make room for something new in your life.  Memories can keep you in the dark, in the past, and keep you paralyzed in the present.  They can wake you up sweating from the worst nightmare…..Memories can also make you smile as you recall some really funny times with someone, but these are only the fractions of the power of memories.

What is so powerful about dreams?

They keep you wishing.  Wanting.  Reaching.  They also try to define you.  Dreams have no boundaries.  They keep you focused on your desires.  They are the top of the top, the crème de la crop.  They are the best of the things in life you feel you need, you really want, or just can’t live without.  Dreams make us smile.  They are part of a Utopian life we really want to live.  They are the motivation and driving force behind the decisions we make, the sacrifices we take, and you hope they will become memories some day too.

Why should you never let your memories be greater than your dreams?

Do you want to be stuck in your past, blind in the present, and never see your future?  If you dwell on memories, you’re missing every opportunity that is in the here and now.

As they say…take a picture.  It will last longer.

Make your dreams more powerful than your memories.  It’s easier to look into the past, analyze it, and stress out about where you went wrong.  It’s very hard to foresee the future.  Who cares?  Dream about it anyway.  Putting forth the energy, the planning to make your dreams come true, and being actually serious about getting your dream XYZ can’t hurt, right?

Do it.

So whoever gave me this dollar store plaque can get their $1.00 worth out of their purchase.

Inspiration begins in the here and now….but if you’re trapped down memory lane…you’ll only be inspired to walk backwards.

Hope you have rearview mirrors.

Helena

Have you ever stood still in your home and just taken it all in? Your life.  Take a moment and look around, what are your addictions?  Just looking around my house, it appears I’m addicted to food, shopping, and clutter.

The number of plates scattered around the rooms indicates an avid snacker in on the loose.  The mounds of clutter piled up means a procrastinator has moved in and as soon as I find her, I’m planning to evict her!  The pile of cigarette butts in the trash stinking up my house overpowers the $7.99 candle I have lit to calm my nerves.

There ain’t no better aroma therapy then fresh bread baking in the oven.

So…with spring just waiting to pounce this house with fresh scents of lilac and newly cut grass just around the corner…what are we waiting for?

Take an entire morning’s worth of coffee and relaxation to write a list of all the things you have put off to do over the past 6 months.  Begin by rearranging just one room to start.  Dust, scrub, and clean all that crap that’s been collecting behind your computer desk, under your monitor, and that lost snack cracker that fell back in December, behind your file cabinet.

Make it fun though.  I put up a fresh list of upbeat music on my I-Tunes and plug it into my computer.  Then I take Fabreeze cleaner in a squirt bottle and scrub down walls, baseboards, and window sills to freshen up the room.  Use it on the empty trash can next to your office or refrigerator.  With cats and dogs, any fresh scent is welcome.

Take down your pictures on the walls, give them a good cleaning and hang them back up in a different place….just a few changes like this and the color of your curtains can make you feel like you’ve just moved into a new fresh place.  Decluttering is one of the best ways to alleviate stress.

With two monitors, speakers, college text books, and coffee cups piled up on my small computer desk, I was beginning to feel closed in and uninspired.  I moved my desk to the opposite wall, added fresh spring flowers in a pot, set up a cheap folding table next to my desk to make an “L”, and put my paper shredder under it.  I feel like I just promoted myself to the suite office of the CEO!

Making time to get organized might be hard to do at first, but putting it on the calendar once a month at least to reorganize, rearrange, and freshen up dusty spaces is worth it.  For every inch you create unused space and declutter, you lift 30 minutes of stress off your body, mind, and soul.

How do I know that?  Because I do this twice a month and I live stress free most of the days between.  I don’t have to take as many blood pressure pills either.  I just know.  If you have trouble getting started, invite a friend who loves to clean and declutter.  I’m one of those friends who loves to pack and unpack and help friends move.  I love a fresh space full of potential.

Turn your addictions, procrastinations, afflictions, and OCD’s into potential for less stress and cleaner living.

The only down size is…if you’re addicted to shopping, you’ll fill that space pretty quick.

Rule of thumb: One item goes out before another item can come in.  Keep that in mind before you hit that sale or dollar store.

See you at the trash dump.

Helena

Why is that?  When I was a kid, I magically thought (because in my world, everything was magic), you worked your early life to get to the top.  Like a rollercoaster.  That slow, intense, mind-griping, and often nauseas climb to the top towards the first descent.  Is it excitement? Nerves? What keeps us climbing to the top if we know we are only going to fall?

As a kid, I magically thought once we got to the top in life, we worked even harder to stay there.  I got so pissed when I made it to the top, and it never lasted long.  I’d work again and again, analyzing, and going over my mistakes so I could stay longer at the top the next time.

You know what seemed to last forever? When you’re stuck at rock bottom.  The good times are high and fun, but when you crash to the bottom, it seems to keep going…and going….and going….like that stupid bunny.

Why is that?  The bad times last so much longer.  Is it the irony of life?  Does Mother Nature have some sick and sadistic cruel hunger to suck the laughter and joy faster than the sorrow?  Are we laughing too hard on the way up the roller coaster hill?

Then I read a book that talked about life being cyclical.  It’s not linear, like I had thought.  When I first read this concept, I was dumbfounded.  Anna was sun tanning with me on my patio deck and I remember reading those words out loud to mark her as my witness.

Life was a giant circle that went round and round.

This meant, when you get to the top, you’re supposed to expect to rush down faster than a speeding bullet…or in this case…a speeding rollercoaster.

The book said to enjoy the ride down just the same as the ride up.

Are you serious?  My finances are shot to shit.  I’m finding conflict everywhere I turn.  I’m pounding out homework for a college degree I’m not sure I’ll get to use.  I’m racking up a 12.5k bill that I don’t have a job to pay for…..medical bills are piling on top of me that I don’t have insurance to help offset….

Enjoy? Bite me.

Well, that’s what the book said.  It noted that “down times” are times to reflect, and change chapters in your life.  Something is coming to an end.  And there has to be a new chapter to replace it.

At your doing, of course.

So, for the better part of last year, and the first part of this year, I’ve been enjoying that down time.  It’s harder than it looks.

I feel stuck in a winter rut.  The book said to plan.  Get active.  Become involved in your life.  Become master of this new chapter.  And in school, I’ve learned to outline chapters already, so this should be a snap.

I’m finally finishing my first novel.  It’s been in the making for over four years now, and its time to bring Old Nick home.  I’m almost done with college, meaning graduation is around the corner.  I might even ditch my medical bills for one month and buy myself a plane ticket out to Iowa and walk across a stage in a college I’ve never set foot in, to have my bachelor’s degree handed to me.

Because I’ve earned it.

Because…I have nothing better to look forward to at this very second in time, and that makes me smile.

I’ve worked out a new routine to loose 30lbs.  If I can just put these damn cookies down…..

And although I love my morning coffee and cigarette, it might be time to lay those to rest as well.  Find an apple with my name on it, some O.J., and begin a healthier life.

What else can I do?  My blood pressure is too high to actually enjoy a rollercoaster ride these days…so all I can do is keep myself busy until it begins the climb again.

Ruts are tough.  But its good to know that when all good things come to an end…other good things are on its way too.

Hurry up spring.  I have a hot pink work out suit that begs to be broken in.

Helena

When you’re a kid grown ups tell you “when someone touches you, TELL”.  When someone does something wrong, you tell.  If you see an accident, if you are hurt, if you do something stupid or shameful, for the love of Job, TELL!

So why is it when you get the hang of this telling thing….you’re mocked on the playground for being a tattle tale?

Mixed messages and major confusion is a huge part of a person’s life early on.  Sorting through what is being said if you are listening is a hard enough job, but what isn’t being said can be just as painful and confusing.

Why is it when we are children, we have the balls to run to momma and tell her Sissy pulled our hair….but as adults we walk past people doing numerous things that make us cringe, squint with shame, or shiver?

Fear of retaliation? Why don’t we get involved? Why are we so afraid of conflict?

I had a dream about an hour ago (by the way, its 5:02 a.m.) about Annastacia and me.  I dreamt she had tried to tell me something important, some story about her on again-off again boyfriend, and I shrugged her off.  We were shopping in the mall for a head board for my queen size poufy bed.

The first time she tried talking to me, I didn’t give her eye contact.  I was in La-La land, off in my own world, and looking away at the distance, but I could still hear her talking.  The second time she tried telling me, we were putting the head board into her SUV, and I remained quiet while looking at the picture on the box.  I didn’t give her any “uh-huh’s” or verbal indicator that I was even listening.

The third time she tried to finish her story; I cut her off to talk about the falling snow.  I knew how weather centered Anna is and she would know how much of the white stuff was going to fall.  It felt to me like Anna was repeating her story that I had already heard, and I thought I might change the subject and reset the broken record that was skipping in Anna’s head.

We arrived in my dream, at my place.  Anna put on her purple leather faux gloves, slammed the car door, yanked out the headboard from her SUV, dropped it in the snow near my trash cans, got back in the car, and drove out of my driveway without a word.

Anna would normally (had I not obviously pissed her off) shoved me to the side with her eyes to not touch a thing, and dragged that headboard in my house without help like a hero.  She is afraid that I will drop an ovary or something if I lift heavy objects, but I don’t mind because she offers, whereas I have to repeatedly ask my husband to help.

But in my dream, Anna sped off leaving this ultra heavy big ass box in my yard.  I of course had to go inside and beg my husband to help bring it in, to which he could not do right away.  So it sat in the snow getting wet, and I stared at it from the window.  I would go outside and move it a few inches closer, but it was just too heavy for me.

I imagined what the wood inside would smell like, if Anna would comment on the stain the manufacturer used.  By this time as I was staring out my window in this sordid dream, Anna would have already found Mike’s hammer, his screw driver, and had my headboard at least leaning up against the wall.

So I went back to my bed and sat upon it, trying to figure out how I had pissed off Anna so badly.  How would I fix this?

I pick up this phone to dial her number, and the butterflies begin in my stomach.  You know that feeling like you just got caught with your hand in mom’s cookie jar?  That inevitable feeling of despair as you realize no matter what you say, the other pissed off person is going to go off on you like rocket shot.

No matter what you say, this is going to suck.

In my dream, I lacked the courage to finish the call.  I was still distracted, and at least I realized that I still could not give Anna the attention she deserved and needed, even for my own ass chewing.

So I hung up before she could answer, and decided to wait another day.

Why am I so afraid of conflict?

Fear of retaliation.  Why am I afraid of Anna?

As I woke from this dream with a shiver, thinking I should really call her at 5:30 a.m. just to hear her voice, I decided to blog instead.  Pick apart this dream to see if I could connect the dots to why I would not engage in resolving this conflict faster.

Afterall, my headboard was still sitting in the snow.

Anna is a fierce communicator.  She stops right at the beginning of the conflict and thinks about her words carefully.  She chooses the right angles, tactics, and avenues to defend herself, point out where you blatantly fucked up, tells you straight out what you did, and even though it cuts through you like a filet knife…..it’s honest.

Her experiences in life, although she wishes sometimes she could change some of them, have taught her how to be a competent communicator.  She doesn’t tattle….she gives you ample time to stew over your fuck up, then when she’s ready, she gives you a lesson she knows you won’t forget.

And she never steps out of her comfort zone to do it.  She stands or sits in her private space, defending her right to live in this world, and she’s so confident, her intelligence shimmers down her back like a cape.

When it’s my turn to justify my actions, I simply can’t come up with any good reason for my abstract behavior without sounding like a selfish oaf.

The great thing about relationships, especially with Anna is she allows me to be that oaf.  She will be there to help me again, this will all blow over, and she’ll accept my apology when I can’t even say I would accept the same from another, had it happened to me.

That’s the beauty of it though.  Conflict sucks, but with the few chosen people you have built a life with, you can get through it until you learn to stop being an oaf.

Is that conflict avoidance for the next time?  Or is it simply learning from our mistakes?

What may have seemed to me to be another one of Anna’s boyfriend stories turned out to be an important aspect about herself she was trying to tell me.  When Anna learns something valuable about herself, I want her to share that with me.  When people grow and learn, that light bulb goes off, that’s my favorite part of life and I always want to hear all about it.  This was what Anna was trying to tell me, but she felt it important to explain how she got to the epiphany via the repeated boy story.

I heard everything she had said, but I never indicated I had done so.  Eye contact, verbal cues like “really?” those things communicate back that I’m here, I heard, and I am in the moment.

So if I had let her answer the phone in my dream, I could have told her word for word what she had said to prove I had heard it.  I’m still not so sure she would have let me off the hook.

We fear the wrong things sometimes.  We shouldn’t fear conflict, it is inevitable.  We should learn how to overcome it, how to strike a bargain, how to strengthen that bond and continue to listen the way that person needs us to.

It’s less energy than waiting for that phone call and apology.

And I like the odds of having my headboard assembled with her help a lot better than waiting for my deserved ass chewing.

I had to check out in the yard to make sure it all was a dream……and I think if we ever do shop for my headboard, I’ll make sure I don’t make this dream, come true.

Helena

It would seem our Russian friends are enjoying my book so far, either that or they are trying to tell me something! For my Russian fans who keep spamming my pending file with comments babblefish.com can not translate, here is chapter 2 just for you.  Merry Christmas, from Nickadamus, Anora, and Kurin! Oh and BTW Russian fans….if you can actually read this in English, you can probably leave your comments in English as well…what fun is posting comments if the author can’t understand! Help a writer out here!

Chapter Two

Kurin’s Approach

With spring close to full bloom, the villagers of Nadall bustled about their tasks in preparation of the Great Feast. After each Exalt had returned to their keeps, the village became alive with great excitement. The Great Feast was a festival in celebration of the graduates into their chosen profession. Each mentor and workers from the professions came down from the mountains, across the vast forests, and from below the mining hills to celebrate. This village was the largest village in Nadall, where the gathering lessons took place for all the ages to be schooled. Voids from each sub-village of Nadall were put to the test each year in this fashion. The best bread recipes were saved until this night; the finest swords on display, the grounds never cleaner, and prayers to the Ones for a successful year ahead could be heard in passing by half pleased-half sad mothers. Several hours yet before the festival, Nickadamus decided to take a walk to the river.

Nick’s father and mother were both Voids in Nadall, his mother a fine baker, his father a fair shoemaker. Neither profession appealed to Nickadamus no matter how hard his father Umbra had showed him the ease of leather crafting and sole making. Mentor Toulle had been introduced to Nick several times at the Great Feasts each year by his mother Moraine, and Nick each year had chatted herbs and elements to ease his mother’s worried eyes. Nick walked to the edge of the river and took a drink. The freshest water, sweet as sugar he would miss. After reading countless evenings at his keep, the borrowed books from the magistrate’s library, Nick knew he was meant for something else. Something outside the mountains of Nadall called to him.

“Now, how do I tell them my plans?” Nickadamus thought aloud.

“You simply blurt it out, after six mead flasks and a toke, of course.” Nick spun around to find Kurin behind him, grinning.

“Ah, I did not hear you come Kurin, welcome. What brings you to the river?” Nick sat down on the riverbank and picked up a smooth stone.

“I could ask the same of you brother, but I will go first. I’m not sure I should join the Wielders of the Sentinel army.” Kurin squatted down beside Nick and looked past the river and up at the mountains. “I fear I am not strong enough to take the test.”

“Kurin, since we were boys you jested about the shape-shifters. You have spoken nothing but the want to join their army. You are twice my size and strong as an ox. What ails you today? I can assure you, by the time you reach your second apprenticeship with the Herbologists, a cure for fleas will have been found.” Kurin gave Nick a shove until he toppled over.

Kurin sat down and plunked a stone into the river, “I don’t know brother. Fear perhaps? I know there has been only peace since the days of Negrad. Yet still I feel something. Something coming that I cannot face, in any form. Perhaps I’m just talking nonsense.”

Nickadamus looked at his friend and smiled, “You’re not getting bound to your life mate Kurin, and you’re going to live your dream! Rejoice!” Nick frowned, picturing Umbra and Moraine waving good-bye as Nick headed out of town to join Toulle in the forest.

“I know brother. I should rejoice. And I will be fine. Anora says the Ones tell us the answers to most questions in time of need.”

Kurin turned to his friend, “You should not be so unwell towards life mates. Wielders are only allowed one month away from post each year. At least Anora has her twitching eyes on you.”

Nick felt the warmth in his hand and saw Anora still holding it in his mind, “much can happen in a month brother. Besides, lady Wielders await my very flirtatious form to grace them with my presence.” Kurin laughed. Nick wondered if Kurin found it as pleasing as he did how Anora’s eyes twitched, and hoped its pleasure was only for him.

“Not shy are we Kurin? We both know the ladies adore you, only for the content of your..” Nick gave a wry smile as Kurin interjected,

“You had better say muscles or you shall find your skinny bones floating in that river.” Kurin chuckled as Nick changed his tone.

“Now brother, tell me your woes, for I shall listen to the ever restless Nickadamus and his plans.” Kurin tossed more stones into the river and waited.

“I’ve read every book that ever appeared in the library. Stories, Kurin. Worlds apart from ours, yet no one is curious about these worlds but I. If ever another attack by the Vaduu were to come, would our army hold? Would our herbs carry the sick back to well again? What if they burned the forest down and all of our herbs were lost in the fray?” Nick began throwing rocks and stones harder and faster into the river.

“Nick, each of us has read some stories from the library as well. Our people are aware of the worlds Negrad learned it all from. We are content here. We have everything we need. If the Vaduu ever come back, there will be one herbologist that will have surpassed them all,” Kurin pinched Nick on the arm, “and that herbologist will have slain them single handedly with a stick!” Kurin rose and pulled Nick’s arm to rise with him.

“Let me show you some moves Nick, I need the practice.” Kurin picked up a red barked stick and placed it in Nick’s hand. Kurin lunged, and Nick would parry. Swordplay was Kurin’s favorite pastime. Nick spun around and dodged a quick blow.

“I am out of practice as well friend. It has been too long, yet you will not prevail!” Nick let out a low laugh and continued slicing and stepping closer to Kurin.

“Don’t leave us brother, there is a place for you here in Nadall. I’ll give you three hints if you can’t figure it out.” Kurin snuck in a slap to Nick’s head before dodging a fast swing of the stick.

“Oh really? And what might those be, this I must hear!” Nick was dodging and probing the air around Kurin, backing more and more, closer to the river’s edge.

“One is of course, the lovely Anora and her ever tasty…” Kurin gave Nick a wide grin, forcing a jealous Nick to land a blow on his knee, “bread! Bread, muffins, bread! Oh that one hurt Nick good thrust!” Kurin laughed the sudden pain away and continued pushing Nick back into the riverbank.

“Two, is Umbra and Moraine. You are all they have, and they are counting on you to succeed, at something. Anything. At least I have a little sister to take the brunt of home life after I become a Wielder.”

“Yes Kurin, you can shift into bear form and chase your sister Lula around the house, that will make your parents proud. I can hear your mother now shouting at you for eating her sweetgrass rugs out of hunger!” Nick spun again and dodged a thrust of Kurin’s weapon coming straight at his face.

“Hah! If you had paid any attention to those books the magistrate feeds you, you would know bears eat only meat and fish.” Kurin pointed into the river at something swimming by. Nick turned to look, and Kurin pushed him in.

Nick, defeated and soaking wet, sat in the shallow water. “Yes, and they have fleas, let’s not forget fleas. That was an unfair trick.” Nick splashed water at his friend, angry that he fell in.

“Brother, you are not ready to leave us. You have much to learn about yourself before you can learn from others. Put your restlessness aside for at least one year, and try to be happy among your people, will you promise me that much?” Kurin gave Nick a hand and pulled him out.

“Was that reason number three then? I have much to learn about myself?” Nick patted Kurin on the shoulder and squeezed the water out of his shoulder length blond hair.

Kurin placed his arms out at shoulder length and closed his eyes. Palms up, he began to chant to the One Beyond. Gentle swirls of wind moved up Nick’s legs and to his head. After a few minutes, Nick was completely dry.

“Kurin, that was incredible! How can you think you are not ready for the Sentinel Weilders?” Amazed, Nick patted himself down to check for any remaining wet spots.

“I just needed to be reassured that was my path I guess. The first test is to let all fear fade, and magic enter your heart.” Kurin smiled.

“I think you passed brother.” Nick returned the smile.

“Your turn, then.” Kurin gathered the two red barked make shift swords, and began walking. “I’ll see you at the Great Feast! Congratulations on your Exalt!” Kurin shouted.

Kurin and Nickadamus parted ways at the river. Kurin headed towards the north to wait for the mentors and sentinels to arrive for the feast. Nickadamus stopped at his keep to pick up a few books, and then headed to the magistrate’s library to return them.

Merry Christmas and have a happy new year from us at Rawrmones.

Well I got my STD test results back and I am in the clear for now… I had only gone out with Mr.Tap a few times and we had a hard time waiting for the test results and ended up sleeping with each other a few times but at this point I am not worried…

I realized a few things about Tap while we were dating… 1.He is an alcoholic, 2.He is a very vengeful man, 3. His house was auctioned off while we were together and he didn’t seem to be surprised… The list goes on but I do/did understand how these things can happen… I figured shit happens to us all and I just came into his life at the end of his shit storm so maybe he would clear his shit up now that I was here…Right?

He didn’t know how to clean up his mess and figured drinking/getting drunk would solve or at least numb his shit away… How wrong is that? I understand we all have our own way of handling/dealing with our shit but… I just didn’t see this relationship working out. I have had to deal with A LOT of my own shit over the past few years to get myself OK both mentally and physically and although it’s NOT been easy, I cannot be with someone that is still at square one and as a woman/adult I have every right to decide that this relationship is NOT for me… I thought I had that right but I guess according to Tap I am wrong and have no rights…

I spent one last night at Tap’s house to collect my things and clear my pictures,(they were only head shots, tyvm) from his computer because learning about how vengeful he was with his other ex’s made me nervous he’d do the same to me. I left him a note saying this wasn’t working out for me and I’d call him later if he needed more of an explanation when he got home from work… I had to help my friend Helena with some things around the house so I couldn’t wait around all day.

He and I talked a little on the phone and I told him why I was leaving and I had enough of this and it was over… I went to go help my friend and thought that was the end of it but of course I was wrong again, I guess because once I got to my friend’s home she told me Tap had called and left a message on her machine,(I had called him from her house about a week before to tell him I was running late is how he got her #).

We finished up doing the things we had to do at her place and I figured when I was done I’d go home and call Tap just to say it was over because he didn’t seem to understand that FACT… He called me at my friend’s home again so I picked up and he was drunk and being rude so I hung up.

A few hours later we started getting blocked calls coming in and then two calls from men saying they are calling for a good time… so I asked one of them how they got this # and was told about an ad on CL.  The stranger then informed me that when he answered the ad, the person/e-mail that came back was Tap’s e-mail address…OMFG.

I called the local police and the police where Tap lives and gave them all the info including a copy of the CL ad, a copy of the e-mail Tap sent back to the guy that answered the ad, and the # of the guy that could prove that it was sent from Tap’s e-mail,(Which I also now had copies of)

So, the cops now have him on file and they are watching him. I called Tap and told him to take the ad down which he denied ever putting up (this was proven to be a lie and CL admins have him on file too for putting up a malicious/false ad). We had a patrol officer going past my friend’s home all that night,(I stayed to make sure my friend was OK) I feel like shit that I brought such a vile/malicious person anywhere near my friend and hope that she knows I did not do it intentionally.

When I got home the next day I had about 7 phone messages and about 3 off-lines, none of which I responded to but still scary that he is now stalking me. I called the cops again just to keep my report up to date and they now have copies of both the phone messages and the e-mails and off-line messages. Last night the last message he left on my phone was that he had gotten his STD results back in the mail and I’d better call him or wait for the state to do it…WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?

I did not call him nor will I ever respond to him, but… I figured it was just a low life way of trying to get me to respond.

This morning I called the place he went to for his STD testing.  They couldn’t tell me his info but because of the circumstances, they did inform me of their protocol when someone does test positive for something. They said if he was positive for anything they would NOT have sent that info by mail, rather they would’ve called him. The lady nurse I spoke with then gave me the state’s health services # and so I called them.  They said they had no one by that name on their STD positive list and that it was wrong of anyone to do that to anyone.

She just called me back a few minutes ago and said she spoke with the nurse/doctor at the place Tap went to and he tested negative for everything. I have sent the #’s and all the facts including the phone message he left me to the police officers again,(I’ve had the police department here more then my family…lol). Good news is I have at least 3 new friends at my local police department that are all on my side.

I am NOT out to hurt anyone by any means so… I tried dating Tap, It didn’t work out, let it go already please…Why do some men feel the need to drag it on and in such a hurtful way? My girlfriend did NOTHING to him nor did she ever speak to or about him yet he felt the need to hurt her AND put her life in danger by putting up an ad like that… Why can’t they just move on with their life? I had no ill feeling towards Tap, I just did NOT want to be a part of his life.  To him, I guess, that was NOT acceptable.

I have the law on my side now but that was all his doing, I  just want to be safe. I will NEVER talk, call or respond to him in any way, shape, or form EVER again and I hope he realizes that and moves on quietly but in case he doesn’t… I have my local police and his local police on my side and the PROOF to back it up. If it continues I will take him to court. I am not a vengeful person… I just want this nightmare to be over…

The question I am posing today is… Why can’t some guys JUST say goodbye?

Annastacia~

Ever heard the saying, “you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose…..”? How about, “you can hate your life, you can drool over someone else’s life……”, how would that one end? For me, it was “You can hate the fact that you drool over someone else’s life….” I learned somewhere along my journey in this world that you can not run from yourself.  Your life is what you make it, or so they say.  In my case, I made my life a living Hell.

You can hate your life.  I grew up in a fashionable home in northern New England.  I didn’t want for anything, my parents did well in life, and I was taught that I would have to work hard for the things I wanted.  It did not sink in as a kid nor teenager when it seemed mom and pop’s raise the kid fund never ran dry.  I watched my mom balance the check book each month on the first, pay the bills, and whip up pancakes like June Cleaver.  Mom stayed at home to take care of us while pop burned the midnight oil across the seas working with what was back then, new computer technology.  I was told that knowledge was indeed power, and going to college was the first step in the acquirement of such knowledge.

My first years in a Texas university consisted of learning the anatomy of the fire ant, drinking and smoking my first pack of butts to avoid dealing with culture shock, and the occasional stroll along campus during the weekends when the local students all went home.  I did a lot of deep thinking in those years, mostly wondering where life was taking me, and if it was going to be as bumpy as it was right then?  I saw kids my age with knowledge, the sacred kind….they knew what they wanted to be when they grew up.  I was still learning to swim at that point in the sea of life.  Only knowing of two things: The safety net provided by said well off parents, and the faith that I would navigate this sea on the fly.  Figuring out what I would be when I grew up would have to come naturally eventually, in the mean time, I would just tread until the waves took me elsewhere.

One abusive relationship at 19, a pack of butts a day, in and out of college and finally quitting, then ten years later I was still treading water but not in the same spot.  I had crash landed in my thirties on the isle of doubt.  Along side me were life haters, those people in the corporate world who had become so bitter about losing out in life they projected that negativity to those who were weak to it.  I found myself frothing at the mouth for depression and despair, and before I knew it, I had become a life hater too.  I was supposed to be in my own home, married, with 2.5 children and a golden checkbook that never ran dry!  Why was I here stuck working for minimum wages while the pretty people passed me by up the ladder?  Maybe I should have paid attention in business class afterall…  It was time to find a boat and get the hell out of there.

You can drool over someone else’s life.  I had found the man of my dreams to be all I wanted.  We were best friends and eventually settled in to what I call, the life lesson years.  He wasn’t college educated, but he was so smart and deeper in his views of the world, and beyond this world, more so than anyone I had ever spoken to.  He saw things I never even considered, and would pleasantly point them out to me so that I could have my own experience.  We were so attracted to each other, my co-workers loved it when he would come to work.  There I would be, in the storm on the sea having the roughest day ever, and here comes this intense calm across the water.

My face would light up, I would become nervous, and those flutters would almost make me nauseous as he approached me.  I loved that part of my life, but found this selfish part floating up to the surface choking me.  The selfish part where I would look at my paycheck, look at his, look at everyone in flashy cars, manicured nails, perfect hair and tanned, and scribble palm trees on my office post it notes while dreaming of vacations in Cabo.  Why couldn’t I be happy with what I had?  I had worked for it, I had earned it, but it seemed so meager, so unimpressive, so……Loser like.  I knew our financial situation bothered my husband, but he never broke his smile in my company.  I even drooled over his tolerance and control in the worst situations.  My emotions were screaming inside that this life was not the one I wanted, while he seemed to just be enjoying the sun.  Thanks for letting me drown here babe, it’s a man’s world, so go get me a piece of it would ya?

You can hate the fact that you drool. Mom and pop never told me how shark infested these waters would be.  They mused that life is unexpected, uncontrollable, and they tried really hard to make me see that I would be the one responsible for all that came to me.  I lived in denial for years that I would ever create this life for myself, so instead I blamed society, the world, my cat….you get the point.  I call this the why me years.  When you have watched beautiful yachts party on by while you’re being dragged from the back of a tug boat, at some point you have to say enough.  There is only so much loathing, jealousy, and down right ignorance in this sea you can take before you slap yourself silly and say, WAKE UP.  I was always a horrible emo-goth anyway.  So I went to the only person who would know what to do.  That guy that still made me weak in the knees when he kissed me, that quiet always in contemplation guy, that mysterious man that no one understood.  My husband.  Instead of pulling me out of the water soggy and prune-like,  he tossed me a book and went back to his rock.  That fucking rock where he lived his life in control and sense and logic and reason, and peace.  I hated the fact that I wanted that rock to sink just so he would be as miserable as I was.  So I read this book called The Celestine Prophecy, and by the end of my revelations within that book, I began asking if I could sit on that rock with him.  If you can’t beat em, join em.  I couldn’t outdo, beat, or rise above the status of what I was so jealous of, so I decided to join them.  I just didn’t know how.

Sunset Mountain. I left Texas, left Michigan, left Illinois with a few things.  I had started a novel, one of three designed to tell a powerful tale of why life is so unexpected.  I returned home to the peaceful mountains of New England, where we called our rental house on the hill, Sunset Mountain.  We have this view from our back yard into the mountains, and every night of every season, the sun sets in a different way.  It’s my quiet reminder that life will set in a different way each day.  Not to be sad that the good days will set and bad days might replace them, but more to just be excited that a new day will arrive soon enough.  That new day has new possibilities, new rocks to crash upon, and new boats to check out.  The mere fact that I had made it to 35 without drowning was a good start.

The New Dawn. I had taken some pretty rough beatings while treading water in my twenties.  Ectopic pregnancy, failed first marriage before mysterious smart guy, and before long the damage began to take shape on the outside.  I was diagnosed with a hormone imbalance, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol.  I was still smoking a pack a day, had piled on 60 extra pounds on my tiny 5′0″ frame, and could no longer tread in a swimming pool, let alone the sea of life.  I quit my job in hopes to reshape my vessel.  It was time for an oil change and some new paint.  I met Annastacia in January of this year and began a nutrition plan with exercise to loose the weight.  Mile marker one complete.  Next I enrolled back in college for knowledge.  I still didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up.  Going to school again helped put my life experiences in a ready-made flotation device, should I ever get lost at sea again.  School gave me the knowledge to stand up high and view the future, the courage to live it began to build each time I talked with other students in the same boat as I.  My mystery man even enrolled with me.  It all started to make a little more sense.

Everything happens for a reason.  I believe this.  I’m such a stubborn ass that I have to learn everything the hard way.  I tried diving into the sea of life before learning to swim.  Impatience really sucks.  I did in fact see 15 years after I jumped in, how bad I had belly flopped.  I did make my life the way it was, and the only way to change it into the life of my dreams, would be to change my attitude about swimming.

Why tread, when I can swim to my destination?  All I needed, was a few swimming lessons.

See you on the beach.

Helena

Reading my local free newspaper found in every corner stand of my little world, revealed a topic unthinkable to me.  Global warming is a sham.  According to Michelle Malkin’s article titled And now, Climategate, global warming is a fraud….confirmed by over 2,500 scientists that the Earth is actually getting colder, and of course they are told to hush about it.

I started thinking, what on Earth (warm or not) would be the reason to hide such data from the populace?  It always felt like people were fighting to end global warming, you know…fighting for this cause?  What would the political realm achieve from this boiling debate of ozone breakdown anyway?

Then my conspiracy theory junkie husband hands me this article found from a press site in Russia.  That’s right, my husband reads the Russian news to learn about controversy in America.  Hey, the cold war had to have some lasting benefits right?  Besides, with the creeping conspiracy that the news is controlled by the government and we’re never quite sure if what we read is actual let alone factual anyway, why not get a second opinion?  Even if it comes from cold war country…. O.k. this is just my creeping conspiracy, so let’s move on…..

This article revealed a theory that the political agenda of the American government is actually to use the Eco-friendly movement as a means for power and control.  Big surprise here, right? (Oh my God, when did I go from Cabbage Patch Kids to cynical conspiracy theorist? Getting old is whacked.)

This article spun the tale of homeowners being cooed into the idea of “energy efficiency” upgrades on their homes.  Mandatory? Never at first, rule one of the foot-in-the-door technique…never let them see the club in your hand for the grand finale.  So I begin thinking we are lured into this Eco-friendly movement as a soldier and privateer of goods way beyond our budget, but that’s not all! Tell them how they won this fabulous tax break for all their energy efficient purchases Chuck!  The manipulation continues as we begin to really feel good about doing the right thing for our planet.  Next, we are slowly shepherded into the now Eco-friendly pen with a contract, one of those non descript contracts that is built in to our culture where we have to afford upgrades to this efficient home we own yearly…and at the set costs disclosed by our political realm kings at their leisure.  Sounds quite far fetched doesn’t it?

I don’t know….nothing shocks me these days except the mere reflection that once upon a Paul Revere….we threw tea in a harbor over a taxation that now-a-days we bend over quite happily for.   Have our fore fathers rolled over in their graves so many times they dug themselves to China?

So we have a global warming cry for help to motivate passionate patriots such as Americans, we follow suit with pitchforks in tow……we get slammed into energy efficient debt for the next decade or ten….and we wake up under 12 feet of snow in Houston, Texas wondering just where we got duped.  Instead of Margaritas in bathing suits sunning under global warming skies, we are tossing our $12,000.00 windmill into the furnace for heat.  Houston, we might have a problem.

Link to Malkin’s article:

http://michellemalkin.com/2009/12/02/all-the-president%E2%80%99s-climategate-deniers/

The Russian article:

http://english.pravda.ru/opinion/columnists/110900-0/

This is the time where I refresh my hot cup of java, pop in a romance film, and reflect about times where suspenders were the only thing silly in my world.

Helena

I was flipping the pages in a People magazine at work one morning, and came across a picture of a man who looked familiar in a way I could not put my thumb on.  It was Phil Collin’s son Simon, introducing his latest album U-Catastrophe.

U-Catastrophe is almost electonic rock, but its so much more.  Every song has its own signature.  From the romantic piano tunes of Us (Love transcends), to the upbeat “Powerless”, to the even heavier drum duet with his father Phil in “Big Bang”, U-Catastrophe sets Simon’s emotions down in a rhythmic tale of space, time, and existence.

Youtube Powerless, Unconditional, and Us….and see what you make of this outstanding artist.

Visit his fansite (You will find me there) forums and blogs here:

http://simoncollinsgroup.ning.com

http://simoncollinsforum.forumotion.com/

Watch the video to the song that started me on the Simon Collins journey….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuuMGdNWhKQ

Helena